A New Kind of Beard

I received a very distressed call on Saturday (2/6) from my girlfriend, Charlotte (or Sip). I thought perhaps she had been in a car accident or something, but no, it was worse. A nest of baby squirrels (also referred to as "pups") had been knocked down out of the hollow awning of her house by her landlord (although, I don't think he really knew what he was doing…because he usually doesn't).

I eventually went over to see the baby squirrels and help Sip take care of them. She told me that she found some references to figure out the relative age of the pups and aged them at two to three weeks old. It was then that I realized, while beholding one of the cute little mongrels, that they already have facial hair within two weeks.

These little fellas grow beards even before their eyes are open, and the whiskers (or mustache, if you will) are already emulating Sr. Salvador Dalí's mustache! Good form little buddies!

So, we did our best to keep them well until we could get them to a rehabilitator. Unfortunately for my beard, we didn't take a picture with them in it, but you can imagine what it would have been like if we had (unless you have a terrible imagination). It was very tempting to drive back to Arlington to see if I could find one of my old toy pokéballs to put one of them in for a picture. There are very few times in life when you have a photo opportunity with a litter of baby squirrels. I think this is why it's illegal to retain care of wildlife for over 48 hours.

 

After the 48 hours is up, sometimes the wildlife doesn't

want to let go of you.

In order to preserve these squirrels in our memory—I, Honeybeard, on this tenth day of February, in the year of our Lord two-thousand ten, do declare baby squirrels to be the tiniest, youngest and cutest things to have beards, and henceforth, a litter of squirrels (or "pups") whenever referred to hereafter shall be referred to as a "beard" (pictured below—1, 3).

 

1. The first litter of pups ever to be referred to as a "beard"

2. One of the members of the beard being fed

 

 3. The first beard taking a leisurely nap on my hand after

feeding time

Sip and I miss the beard terribly, but we know they're in good hands. She got them to the rehabilitator on Monday (2/8) just before our 48 hours with them were almost finished ticking away. Hopefully we'll have the opportunity to go by and visit them in a week or two when they're supposed to look more like regular squirrels. Goodbye Sally, Sally, Sally and George! You're the best beard ever, we'll miss you and we love you.

Be careful when you begin to take a beard for granted. You never know when it will be gone.

-Honeybeard

You can find a few more pictures of our beard here.

No-Trim 2010: February Begins

There is nothing nicer than a compliment directed to one's beard. I try to give out many more than I receive, though the task is becoming more daunting. In one night (which happened to be my anniversary with my girlfriend) I received two compliments on my beard. I don't even know if I saw two other people with beards that night.

No-Trim 2010 is coming along nicely. Due to my novice skill level with my camera, my progress is not too terribly apparent on account of the difference in contrast and lighting. You can tell, however, that my beard has grown.

My apologies for having the facial expression of a serial killer in these photos…don't worry, your Cinnamon Toast Crunch® is safe.

As for my problems with mustache policy, I have decided that I'm definitely not going to trim my mustache. It is a viable and extremely important part of the beard. After much conversation and deliberation over the past month, the solutions to mustache problems are many. Among them are chewin' on the 'stache (not technically considered trimming), waxing it out of the way, or just dealing with it (the solution I'm currently going with).

Happy growin'!

-Honeybeard

No-Trim 2010: Definition, Mission

I may have gotten ahead of myself in assuming that everyone would know what No-Trim 2010 is. The concept is somewhat self-explanatory, yet No-Trim 2010 is a little bit different for everyone. One of my friends is planning on participating by growing an immense beard, but he is planning on keeping it shapely. A few of my other friends are participating by seeing how long their beards will grow by the end of the year starting from nothing. One friend is merely growing a mustache. I will be participating in No-Trim 2010 by refraining from trimming my beard by any means necessary.

For all intensive purposes I have a beard because I enjoy having a beard. There is another, more reasonable issue as well: the amount of importance our culture has placed on vanity and good looks continually annoys me, and I use my whiskers as a silent protest against the beauty regime (if you will) that plagues American culture.

No matter your disposition, if you wish to participate in No-Trim 2010 in any capacity, you are more than welcome to.

-Honeybeard

No-Trim 2010: The Beginning

Some people would say that by beginning the year without a clean-shaven face, that I am somewhat of a cheat. I argue that if I started the year with a clean-shaven face that I would be starting the year as a pre-pubescent child. Because really, what makes a man a man if it's not his beard?

As I begin the quest for my beard to grow to a length that it has never been before, I will take pride in having a head start on the year. The last time my beard was cut short was in September of '09. The last time it was trimmed was in November of '09. The last time I was beardless, I was probably twelve.

With respect to my mustache, I am somewhat conflicted: my burrito-eating has been affected by the mouth-curtain portion of my mustache. Burrito eating is an activity that is very important to me, and though I don't find the taste of mustache hairs to be unpleasant, I prefer to eat my burritos without any hair-pulling sensations. Because I'm not trimming my beard, and I generally consider any hair below the eyes and above the collarbone part of the beard (save only the most exceptional unibrows) I am  inclined to refrain from using scissors on my mustache.

I believe the best solution to my somewhat elusive problem is to religiously employ copious amounts of mustache wax. I have, however, taken some counsel on the matter, and it seems that my view on the mustache's part in the beard is not necessarily the unanimous opinion (I would appreciate anyone's opinion on the matter who would like to weigh in).

So, dear readers, here we are at the beginning of a new year with a relatively fresh beard gracing the face of many a man in this glorious year of abstaining from trimming, and extravagant beard growth. Our beards shall conquer any boyish demeanor remaining on our faces, and we shall conquer the clean-shaven world with our beards.

"May your beard ever grow longer."

-Honeybeard